P.S. You are now a beautiful memory forever!!!

My love for you was pure and deep

Back then you were my life or so it feels

There is a frown on my face, a tear in my eye

My heart that longed you, today silently weeps

It lingers on to the feelings I once had

Such strong emotions and passion it breeds

As I see you so near me yet so far

No bridge to cross we stay apart

Only if this could have happened earlier

I lament

What a beautiful story this could be

You me and that love

I felt for you for years and I still sometimes do

But

Today is different, my future it holds

I have an angel in a cradle, back at home

She and her bearer they are now mine

What you tore

She has beautifully mended

She is my present, a present indeed

She gifts me the joys, the happiness I need

There’s nothing for us

Neither love nor friendship

For what I have isn’t worth any of these

I say it again, just louder this time

U were my life back then

But now just a memory

Though a beautiful one today…

                            

                                                            image courtesy http://www.thequotepedia.com 

My phone beeped for the nth time. It kept beeping continuously. It had been receiving calls from this unknown number since the last three days. It was not completely unknown for I recognised her voice the first time I took the call. I so panicked and disconnected the call without responding to the simple Hello. I had put the phone on the vibration mode but I could not resist myself from looking at the number flashing on the screen every now and then. The call I had waited for once, when the whole night seemed like an eternity took 8 long years to get connected and now when it was constantly trying to get in touch with me, I wanted to avoid it. This night was also going to be a long one just like the last two since I landed here. I was jet lagged. I wanted to take a good night’s sleep but then I couldn’t. I picked up my phone. There were 8 missed calls and a few SMS’s which I chose to ignore at the moment for I wasn’t prepared to face such a situation.

 I wished Ria, my wife were here. In my moments of anxiety it is best to hear her reassuring voice. Not that I doubted myself or my love for her. She is and will remain the most desirable woman for me but some people have such strong memories that the heart doesn’t know what to do. I landed in London last Sunday. My wife and daughter were not accompanying me. It was a 4 day work trip. I had a car waiting outside to drop me to my hotel. It was about an hour’s drive. I felt the fresh chilly air touch my face. The February air filled with romance and love. Seeing couples holding hands and kissing, I instantly started missing Ria. She was the best thing that happened to me. A loving, caring, beautiful girl with a heart of gold and she had given me my most valued treasure, our lovely 8 month old daughter Kiara.

I looked at the time and did some mental calculation. It would be around 2 in the night in India. Kiara would get awake hearing the phone’s buzz. I spared Ria the torture and dropped the idea till atleast early morning. I sat in front of the TV to divert my attention and kept on switching channels till I stopped to see Gerard Butler(Gerry) and Hilary Swank(Holly) kissing each other in the beautiful Irish countryside and believing in destiny to make them meet again. Though it is a girlish movie, I had once felt in love watching this movie with her, Saumya, is her name. The name I dreaded hearing from my friends even after so many years, the voice I was avoiding after hearing the hello, the person I had accidently bumped into in a city as big as London two days ago at the airport. We saw each other when I was arranging my luggage in the car. She was on the other side waiting for someone. She walked towards me. I panicked, rushed in the car and shut the door. God knows what I was thinking!! She came and stood right next to the window. 

I lowered the glass and looked like a complete fool trying to fake as if I hadn’t seen her.

“Hey Saumya”

“Hi Priyansh, what a wonderful surprise! What are you doing here?”

“Oh I just came for some official work”

“How long would you be here? Where are you staying?”

Before I could answer her phone rang. Thankfully she had to leave.

“Hey tell me your number and I’ll see you later,” she said

Number! No! Don’t share the number! This is not what I want. This could mean trouble. I don’t want to see you later. A thousand voices were exploding my head. Nevertheless I blabbered out!

“044-84*********, bye”

“Buh bye”

As she walked back, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I had not seen her in years. She was the most beautiful girl 8 years back when I had fallen for her. Her beautiful smile, doe eyes, long straight hair, her dimples that could kill when she smiled. She was just perfect.  She looked a little different today. May be because of the hair that were chopped to shoulder length or may be all these years had taken a toll or may be because for me my daughter was the prettiest girl now, I couldn’t say.

When we first met we were doing our masters in Bordeaux. Being away from home, brought in a lot of freedom. We went around exploring the city together, having fun on weekends, partying, drinking and sightseeing. We were working on the same project so that also gave us a lot of time together. Back then I believed they were the most happening days of my life. She was a smart girl. We had fun doing our research work together. She was very particular about studies and managed fun and work together. I was really impressed by her. She was the kind of girl I dreamed of getting married to but I couldn’t gather the courage of letting her know so soon. I guessed she liked me too but she never said so.

We went steady focussing on our project, attending classes, going to library, for classes, lunches and dinners together. We made some great friends all this while. During our term break all of us decided to go to Paris, the city that radiates love, passion and beauty. It makes you fall in love and in my case it made me express my love. In the typical Romeo style I proposed Saumya in front of the Eiffel tower at midnight on her birthday. She did not confess her feelings there, is a different story. She asked me to walk her to her room and we walked together to the hotel in complete silence. I did not know where I went wrong. I was absolutely sure she would reciprocate my feelings. The fifteen minute walk seemed like a really long one but we finally reached.

“There, your room,” I said

She unlocked the door.

Not sure where this was heading and what to say, I decided it was better to leave.

“Good night and happy birthday once again.” I turned towards the other side to walk to my room

“Priyansh,” she called me.

“Don’t go. Please come in,” she continued.

“Ah what! Come in. You just rejected my perfect proposal and now you are asking me to come in!” my brain spoke to me but then these were matters of the heart.

I turned towards her and walked into her room. She poured us each a glass of wine and asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She said she was feeling lonely without her family on her birthday and would talk about what had happened earlier in some time but till then we should just behave as if nothing happened and be comfortable.

I stayed back as I did not want her to be alone, or maybe just because I wanted to know somethings.

She switched on the TV and attached the USB.

“So which movie do you want to see?” She asked

“It’s your birthday. Let’s watch your favourite”

And we watched PS I Love You. Only if she would have said these words to me, this could have been an entirely different night. I still hoped she would after the movie ended.

Saumya sat next to me. Her head resting on my shoulder. I loved the way she felt so close. She cried and laughed simultaneously as the movie proceeded. She was so engrossed in it. She sure loved every bit of it. I also liked the concept of love not holding anyone back but giving a push to live and embrace life like I wanted to embrace Saumya at that moment.

After the movie ended, we sat together. Saumya did the talking this time. She told me things we had never spoken about especially her family. Her dad was a businessman and she was their only child. He wanted her to get married to the son of his business partner and her childhood friend, Rohan. They could take care of work together and be close to them. Both Saumya and Rohan had also agreed to this proposal. Infact, Rohan was the one who had convinced Saumya’s dad to let her move out and pursue her studies in a foreign country.

“You know Priyansh, you are a wonderful person. I really like you. Infact, I don’t know maybe I even,” she paused, “I cannot leave Rohan”

“I cannot do this to him and dad. I am sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking”, she sobbed

I left her and her room never to be back again. I felt cheated and weak. I felt like a fool.

Next morning we boarded our flights. Both of us did not talk, not that day and never after that, not until two days back. She left the university and went back to India. What I heard from friends was that Saumya had married Rohan and joined her family business. 

I completed my degree and joined an MNC in New Jersey. When I went home during Diwali I was told about Ria, an investment banker. Mom-Dad liked her and arranged a meeting for us. I got married to her after an year. Ria was an easy going girl but a really mature one. I tried to tell her about Saumya before our marriage but she was not interested.
"What has happened in the past is in the past. Why waste this moment in discussing what is not there anymore?" she said.
She gave me my space, she never judged me and always believed in nurturing our present for a better future. When she came in my life, I did not know if it was love or it was just me longing for some companionship or the thought that I need to settle but whatever it was, I eventually realised it was the right thing to do.

She quit her job after marriage and moved with me. We took some time to adjust. We were very different people. She was a dreamer, me practical. She liked spontaneous, me a planner. She lived in the present, and me, my past sometimes did haunt me.
Infact I ended up telling her about Saumya one fine day after dinner. It just bothered me from within, her not knowing it.
Ria teased me for a few days and told me she would like to meet Saumya someday, an idea I hated. Eventually it became a joke for us that died in sometime. I was never worried about Saumya after that until today.

I looked at the clock again. Was it time to talk to Ria about this? Just then the doorbell rang.

"Come in. Who is it?" I asked
"Delivery for you Sir," came the reply

The door opened and the staff kept a bouquet and with was a hand written note.

"Never thought I would see you again but, since now I have, I want to talk to you. It's a meeting long due. Meet me at 6 in the cafeteria. PLEASE
                                                                                                -Saumya"

I read the note again and again and again. She had written it. It smelled of her. It was after so many years that I touched something which she had touched.

I decided I will meet her once I speak to Ria about this.

"Hey Jaan, how are you?" I enquired
"Our girl didn't let me sleep last night. Rest all ok."
"Oh should I call later? Wanted to talk about something"
"Nahi nahi bolo! Just don't tell me you have fallen for some firangi", she giggled as she spoke. She did not wait to hear and continued
"You can meet her, have dinner but dare you do something and I will kill you. And
yes do remember ek bachi k baap ho tum!!" she chuckled as she spoke in a typical 60’s Bollywood actress style.
I did not speak what I wanted to. I let the moment go
"You are mad!" I said
"Yes, for you." she spoke
"Love you"
"Love you too darling"

I disconnected and decided I will keep Ria out of this. She doesn't believe in the past so I won’t bother her but I will go and meet Saumya and tell her I don't want to talk about anything and move out in five minutes.
I got up to get ready. It took me a really long time. I felt jittery. "
Was I nervous? What for?" I questioned myself

I practiced and rehearsed my five minute role play again and again and again. I was sure it would be perfect as I had planned. I walked to the cafeteria.
Saumya sat just next to the huge glass window in a candle lit corner. Her face looked bright n pristine as the flickering light fell on it.

I walked towards her. I could smell her from some distance. She always used this fragrance. So much had changed yet a few things were still the same. I tried not to deviate from my plan and focus.
"Look Saumya, the thing is," I started just then the waiter came in for order
"Espresso for me and black coffee for him" she promptly said
"Oh hold on, do you want something else?" she asked me
"She still remembers!" I thought
"No, it's fine. I don't want to waste time in choosing coffee so whatever you say." I tried to sound rude
She just smiled, a faint one. I felt bad for my behaviour.

"Priyansh I am sorry for calling you this way. I never thought I would meet you again. Trust me it is difficult for me too but I had to do it." She paused for a brief interval and then spoke again
"So, tell me how have you been? Married? Kids?”
"Yes, I have an eight month old daughter Kiara" I told her.
"Congratulations. That’s a beautiful name!” she looked genuinely happy for me.

 “I also got married to Rohan as soon as I came back to India. Unfortunately I did not have him for long. We had an accident on our first wedding anniversary and I lost him and his child I was carrying", her eyes became wet as she spoke.

"I am so sorry. Are you ok?" I offered her a tissue as I felt her pain. Now I understood it was more difficult for her rather than me.

"Those were difficult times. I felt miserable but I am fine now. After I recovered, I decided to take solace in meditation. I realised how fragile life is and that I don't want to have regrets when I die. I decided to do everything I wanted to but there was this one thing I could not. I wanted to talk to you.”

 “I tried calling you but then I got to know about your marriage. I could not muster the courage to face you all these years. I did not know if talking to you was the right thing to do.” She looked straight into my eyes as if trying to read them for an answer.

“Priyansh life isn’t black or white. This meeting could be wrong for you but for me it is just so right” “When I saw you at the airport, I took it as a sign from God, otherwise why we would have met like this, all of a sudden after all these years? I could not to leave this chance of speaking to you."

"Here's ur espresso Mam and the black coffee Sir" the waiter intervened

"I know you might be finding this idea of meeting weird. I don't know if you really want to talk to me and I really appreciate you coming here. It's a favour you have done me."
"Though it doesn't matter now. May be I shouldn't even say it but life is all too short for regrets finding a place. All I want to tell you was that I loved you too. I just couldn't speak earlier and I know now it doesn't mean anything to you but I just wanted you to know I did and I am really sorry for the pain I caused you."

I was taken back. I hadn't pictured this happening. I was just not prepared to handle this situation. I should not have come here. This is all wrong. I sort of panicked.

"Why are you telling me all this. I am married and I love Ria. I have a family so why tell me now?" I was perplexed.

Saumya smiled, "So that now onwards I stay as a beautiful memory and no more as a sad ending,” she continued, “This is the last time we are meeting. I will never see you again not in this lifetime atleast."
She turned around and picked up a packet.
"Here this is for your wife,” she said handing it to me
"What is this?”
"You will know. Just give it to Ria", she said
As Saumya moved out she had a dimple on her cheek and a few drops in her eyes and she looked at me for the one last time. Now she looked beautiful and peaceful.
I stood there till I could no longer see her car. She was gone. This time forever.

"What is in this? It's so nicely packed", Ria asked excitedly
"I don't know. Tell me once you open it.” I said loudly from the other room as I unpacked
"What? You don't know? Then who knows? Who is it from?” She questioned
"It's from Saumya. You remember her, right?" I told her as I walked towards her
"Saumya! You met her?" Ria looked surprised
"Hmmm yes.. Remember that day I called you..." And I told her the whole story.

"Oh. I feel so sorry for her. Poor thing, she lost too many people too soon!" Ria exclaimed

She took the packet and opened it. Inside it was a beautiful wrist watch and a note. Ria read it aloud

"This is your time. Make it as beautiful as you are. I once had a chance and I missed it but I hope you make every single moment count.
I know Priyansh would have told you about our meeting and I hope you forgive me for forcing him into one but it was important for me and I believe for him too.

Lots of love
Saumya"

Both Ria and I spoke nothing. She just leaned forward and hugged me for long.

I did make a beautiful memory that day.